Birds and Bees- By Christian Madore
The other day I heard a commercial on Catholic Radio about a book called “Theology of the Body for Teens,” and this is how the commercial went:
“Let’s face it, as a parent, there are probably a hundred other things you’d rather be doing than talking to your kids about sex. But you ARE the primary educator of your children, and as such it is your DUTY to instruct them in this crucial matter. And if you don’t teach them, who will? The promiscuous culture we live in? You CAN’T AFFORD to stay silent on this very important issue!”
While this ad spoke the truth, I think it missed the mark in two ways that apply to our discussion this month.
Talking to your children about sex shouldn’t be a chore to be avoided or feared. On the contrary, we should recognize this job for the joy that it is: an opportunity to instruct our children about God’s plan for us as revealed in His design of the human body. We get to teach them about our complementarity as men and women, how husbands and wives cooperate in God’s creative work, and how our bodies are images of Christ and the Church.
If we did not have faith, sex WOULD be a topic to be avoided; simply the awkward facts about what are bodies are made to do. But we are Catholics, and we know we are made for more.
There doesn’t need to be “a talk.” I’ll go a step further and say there shouldn’t be. Dropping the news on your child like an Atom Bomb is going to do just what an Atom Bomb does – cause a lot of chaos. The only reason a parent would need to have “The Talk” with their child is because that child’s questions can no longer be avoided without some pretty fancy sidestepping, or because the child really isn’t a child anymore and the parent is playing catch-up.
What Kate and I have decided to do instead is reveal the truth to our children in the same way that God reveals it to us – incrementally and holistically. If Damian, 4, asks a simple question about anatomy, he gets a simple answer about anatomy. By the time Damian is 12, however, he’ll get an answer that corresponds to his ability to interpret and apply the information. I might tell him about why God made men and women differently, and what it means. There will be no earth-shattering moment in which everything gets turned upside-down, no moment in which he becomes more confused than enlightened. Think of it as helping him piece the puzzle together one piece at a time versus dumping all the pieces of the on the floor at his feet.
Trust God….and yourself- By Catherine Burnham
It happens that some of our children’s best and most surprising comments are often made in the van on our way to one place or another. Maybe it’s the fact that they have my (almost) undivided attention or perhaps it’s because of the fact that my usually very active boys are forced by car seats and seat belts to remain still that they decide to become thoughtful and articulate. Whatever the reason, my husband and I enjoy these times and look forward to them.
One such experience has given me an opportunity to reflect upon some of the difficult topics we as parents often face with young children. Some days ago as the whole family was riding in the van my husband and oldest son Samuel struck up a conversation about numbers and how they are infinite. “Just like God!” exclaimed Samuel, “he is infinite, he will never die!” Daniel, our three year old, not wanting to be left out chimed in with his own thoughts, “And we will never die……. because we love each other!” A moment of silence followed this statement in which I silently pleaded with Samuel not to contradict his younger brother. He did of course, but by then Daniel had moved on to something else and remained oblivious to his brother’s correction. I thanked God for his short attention span and resolved to have a talk with Samuel about letting Daniel have his own opinion even if it was wrong. Later in the day I remembered the incident and had time to ponder whether my relief was the right reaction.
Perhaps Daniel was ready for a little bit more information regarding death. He knew about death of course, not a short while before one of our neighbors llamas had died, but he did not see it as applicable to his own family. In his mind we would all be together forever. I recalled that Samuel was not much older than Daniel when we first started talking to him about death. . I seemed to have no problem conveying the truth (in pre-school terms) to Sam. “Then why is my reaction so different with my second child?” I asked myself.
“Because they are different children, and you know them!” was the answer that I came to. Samuel’s emotional level and comprehension are vastly different than Daniel’s. Samuel needs to experience the emotion in order to understand them. Daniel on the other hand can understand (and react) to emotions thought of and not experienced, but is unable to comprehend the consoling thought of being reunited in heaven.
I was so happy to have realized that I could (correctly) react instinctively to my children without self doubting or having to research and write a thesis on parenting. All I needed was to trust that God would give my husband and me the graces to parent the children He gave us. No doubt tough questions will continue to come our way and I will not ALWAYS feel prepared to deal with them. But I am convinced that my husband and I will be well armed with the knowledge of who our children are and who God intends them to be.
Book Review of The Joyful Mysteries of Life By Catherine & Bernard Scherrer, 1994 -By John Burnham
Catherine and Bernard Scherrer originally wrote this book in French for their own children to “provide a Christian presentation of the facts of life”. It is written in a style for children, neither from a merely biological perspective, as so many secular schools present sexuality; nor from a merely traditional perspective. As the authors note, modern culture has not only abandoned parents but in fact counteract their efforts for genuine growth in understanding Christian sexuality, “…children must nowadays be well informed before they reach secondary school, where many and various abominations are waiting…and…peer group attitudes of cunning and mockery.” This book is welcome to parents of young children trying to defend them from the “sex education” found in schools and society, and replace it with what JPII proposes as “education for chastity”.
The style of this instruction (which the authors are quick to point out is only a tool, not a program) is for children who have not reached puberty, or are on the cusp. Therefore the writing is simple, and direct. The text includes the biology, for we are “children of the light” and “our procreative power is amongst the most respectable and indeed astonishing things,” of which we need not be ashamed. No facts are untold, but the telling of the mechanics of things fades well behind the language of wonder, joy, and the sacred. The authors have a deep sense of an individual’s personal relationship with God, of virtue and community.
It is in this context that the joyful mysteries of life are told. With chapter titles like “Love is not so much what you feel as what you do” and “what is freedom?” one can see that the simple messages in this book for our children go well beyond the mechanics to include the deeper Christian context. The book includes questions at the end of every chapter for those who wish to use it as a formal study. It also includes prayers chosen for those invoking help with chastity, and at the end, a commitment that can be personalized (fill in the blanks) for one’s own children. There is occasional quirkiness on the part of the authors, I suspect because some idioms don’t really translate from the French. But even if you don’t use the questions or the commitment sheet, and need to overlook the quirkiness, the wealth of simple and honest truth found in these pages is a godsend. I value this book and am grateful it fell into my hands.
